Friday, August 31, 2012

[30] days of thanks.

i know what you're thinking. "don't people usually do this in november?" yeah. so what? who cares?

i am doing this primarily to change my attitude. i've been pretty negative for the last several months. like clean dishes in the dishwasher for 10 days, toilet paper roll on the holder long empty.


i need a lift. so i'm going to write about stuff i am thankful for. at this point, i would like to think that i can be more specific/interesting/amusing than "health". but let's just see how it goes. like what i said when i started this whole blog "let's see if my commitment issues surface with this, shall we?" 

Thursday, August 30, 2012


Watching: I am slowly but surely making my way through grey's anatomy now.
Thinking about: how I wish I had jumped off the 20 ft jump tower at fantasy lake. I'm such a wienie, I climbed up there, stood there for like 10 minutes while J tread water below. ended up climbing down and jumping off the 8 ft again.
Anticipating: finally knowing something! J is going into selection. it will determine at least the next 6 months of life.   UPDATE:  Oh the joys of the military. Now he's been pushed to the Oct class. Another month and a half of uncertainty and skype.
Listening to: CCR. oldies are one of my favorites
Eating: oatmeal with vanilla protein powder and cinnamon. and an apple.
Drinking: tension tamer, per usual.
Working on: being more consistent with the blog. cleaning my apartment. wanting to work out.

Friday, August 17, 2012

date night.

tonight is the first night i've been in a good mood for probably a week. 
i have clean dishes that have been in my dishwasher for at least 10 days (i pick out forks as needed). and i have dirty dishes in the sink and on the counter. but not that many because i have been going strong on a steady diet of saltines, hard boiled eggs, chocolate cream pie, baby carrots and granola.
as i've said in other posts, i avoid facebook on friday and saturday nights so i dont have to hear the run down of "date night" and see all of the adorable instagram pictures of people having fun. i'm bitter, i'm dealing with that.
so tonight after watching an episode of grey's anatomy, i was fully planning on going to chipotle for a chicken burrito, brown rice, black beans with sour cream and cheese. but the dogs were being so stinkin' cute. the thought of actually cooking the chicken breasts in my fridge sent me into tremors; but leaving them wasn't an option, and i refuse to leave the dogs in the car unless i have sightline to them. because i have to leave the windows down but ferdi is one of the "it" dogs of the moment and i'm not losing my little boy to ugly, greedy people.
so i started asking ginger "chipotle or qdoba?" when she seemed more excited about qdoba, i started asking "burger king?" and she went nuts. like mother, like daughter. 
so i threw on my boyfriend's grey, ymca staff "youth developer" shirt, comfy jeans, and my new minimalist sneakers. got the dogs leashed up and called my parents to tell them about how cute the dogs were being. because the person i tell everything to is being brainwashed to not rely on me (read: bitter).
talked to my dad on the way to burger king. then ordered my usual (double cheeseburger meal with a dr. pepper) and got a plain hamburger. 
on the drive home i left my window down and blared Mayer Hawthorne on 93.7 KBCO Boulder. 
when we got home, i sliced the plain hamburger in half because this home is all about fairsies. and then i grabbed my camera.

yes, that is chocolat and star wars, episode I: the phantom menace in the background.

after my dates finished their treat, i ate my dinner while watching another episode of grey's anatomy.
now we're going on a moonlit walk.
romantic, right?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

quarter of a century.

i probably read at least one article a day from the Thought Catalog. the site is basically a collection of writers who are all in their 20s and 30s. and because of this, most of their articles are written for folks from that age group. it would probably take all of my phalanges to count the "what i've learned in my 20s"/"what you should do by the time you're 25" pieces on this website.
so since i just reached my 25th birthday this last weekend, i figured "why not me? i've done stuff."
i'll structure this in groups of 3.

things i cannot believe i've done.
  • walked with jelly fish in shallow water. call it being 18 and stupid haha. but i didn't get stung and have some pictures i hope i never lose.
  • nuked my roommate's student id. what? i didn't like her. it had a magnetic strip and computer chip in it, and though i was planning on only leaving it in there for 3 seconds max, it made a fireworks show in the microwave within the first half second. then i got shocked when i pushed the stop button! then she came back a minute later. bashful rating: code black.
  • didn't go to law school. i'm pretty stubborn. i decided i wanted to go to the college i went to when i was 15 after watching one of their soccer games. i didn't apply to any other schools. my plan was political science then law school. i had no plan b (obviously). well, after taking a few law classes within my major, i hated it and i wasn't doing as well as i needed to do get into a good law school. oh, and i disliked most of the people i was in classes with. then i heard law school likened to being beaten with 2 bags of oranges. and i was out. 
things i'm glad i did.
  • moved to denver. nothing builds character like going somewhere where (nearly) no one knows you. luckily, i moved out here with B. that first year was rough even so. but i feel now that i've settled into some kind of groove (or rut, depending on how you look at it). 
  • went to creighton. wasn't sure i was ever going to say that. after graduation, when the first job i got was checking groceries at hy-vee, all i could think about was how during my application process and freshman year all you heard was "bap bap, creighton graduates get great jobs, bap bap bap" but thankfully i took some classes outside of my major (very outside, and not just core) and really rounded out my person. those that stick out in my mind include ceramics, personal growth and development, christianity and the holocaust, and a class about the philosophical issues that will be raised with future of nanotechnology. 
  • learned to cook. i was lucky to have a mother who is a fantastic cook. however, i guess i thought she had it covered and never really helped/learned in the kitchen. did not think that through. now, don't get me wrong, i still love nuking me a corn dog, but i have to say there are few things more satisfying than cooking for you parents and your mother asking YOU for a recipe. or really just making something yourself, then sitting down at your kitchen table in your place and eating it.
things i've learned the hard way. 
  • letting go. this one relates to how i deal with people. i said it before, i'm stubborn. if i've invested a lot of time/effort into a relationship, things have to get really bad before i will take my talons out and move on. and by really bad, i mean "wreck me for years" bad. and then i feel like i wasted time.
  • sometimes you need help. ugh, pride -- i have it in spades. i don't like admitting i'm wrong. i don't like needing help (unless it's for something like moving). self-sufficiency is the name of my game. but the last few years have been a hard lesson in accepting help.
  • relinquish some control. there was a point a few years ago when i couldn't bear to be a passenger in a car. drunk people made me irrationally nervous. i was wound so tight that i barely ate and had explosive crying sessions most days. as that i am staring down the pike at being a military wife, i guess i need to give up some more control. 
 things i wish i'd have known before graduation. 
  • student loans blow. no, this wasn't actually news to me. but back in my promissory note signing days i wish i'd have done it with a little bit heavier heart. on the upside i've paid off over 20% already.
  • take advantage of naps! once you're in a 8:30-5:30 you don't get them and you rarely want to waste your weekends on them. follow up to this: soak in the staying up til the wee hours of the night because you suddenly can't really do it anymore. (i think it's a conspiracy that comes with receiving a diploma unless you plan to continue to grad/prof school)
  • don't freak out about your grades. i did pretty well in college by most people's standards (3.47 gpa) obviously not law school good. but then i went and took a job that i barely use my degree for. so my grades didn't really matter. 
things i hope to figure out in the next 25 years.
  • how to focus my energy onto one endeavor at a time. not to sound a braggart, but i'm naturally good at a few things (mostly creative/artistic stuff). but i can't pick one and try to improve my skills to excellent. i thought i could pick photography and just go. now i want to give ceramics another spin (pun intended). but then i think about poetry, writing, jewelry making, sewing, painting...and i have a really hard time picking one, even to focus on for a year.
  • learn to say uncle. sports-wise, i'm not competitive; i don't care. but when it comes to being right, oh boy -- despite the fact that "right" is subjective sometimes. and if i am caught wrong, i'll rarely use the word "wrong" i'll usually roll my eyes, sigh and say "fine." i need to work on this.
  • not to take things so personally. pretty much explains itself. i deal with people who don't think about me as much as i think about and try to be nice to them. and when small things happen or i hear negative feedback about myself, my bitch wall comes up fast. 
  • grow a longer fuse. (yeah, i'm adding a 4th to this group, so what, who cares?) i seem to remember being really even tempered in my youth and adolescence (at least for a kid and teen), but i can't do it anymore. call it hormones, call it immaturity, whatever -- i can go from fine to rage to bawling in 30 minutes, sometimes less. the rage concerns me most. i think the dogs have helped with this because i can forgive them almost instantly for annoying/dumb things they do. 
the end!